A close lifelong friend of mine is always worried when her children are with my husband and I. She is always concerned that we will tell her kids about her wild younger days. She feels that if they know her mistakes she will lose some of her credibility when her children are perhaps making similar mistakes.
I beg to differ. I think it is very important to let your children know about your past mistakes and regrets and to even initiate those conversations. No subject is taboo. Talk about drugs, alcohol, school issues such as skipping class and even driving infractions and trouble with the law.
There are lots of reasons to be honest. If your children know that you have made similar mistakes they will take your advise more seriously. You will actually look more credible, because they will actually believe you when you say "I know exactly how you are feeling right now".
If your children know your past mistakes it will even make them feel more comfortable coming to you when they have similar issues. They will know that you won't be judgmental and you will understand what they are going through. It will open up the lines of communication which is extremely important when raising teenagers.
So start telling those wild stories and you will soon see the conversation flowing, your teenager will respect you and accept your advise because they know that you have been there and that you trust them with your past. An important lesson for everyone.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Parenting 101- Teenagers - The Curfew
Over the years I have given solicited and unsolicited advise on parenting teens to friends, family, co-workers etc. Some think this advise is a little radical, very sixties hippie like, but for my family it has worked (at least with our first born, our youngest is only 12). I grew up in a very liberal household with parents I shared everything with and I wanted to have that same experience with my own children.
Some rules before I begin:
1. This advise is not very everyone - it depends on your comfort zone.
2. Honesty is the best policy.
3. Don't try too hard, it shows.
4. Always keep an open mind.
5. Share your mistakes in life.
6. Connect on all levels.
7. Always remember what it was like to be young.
8. Trust Trust Trust
This will be a series of articles so keep coming back for more. Today's installment:
CURFEWS
Many parents set curfews for their teenagers thinking that this is a great way to control their child's late night activities, whether it is on the weekend or during the school week. However, this sometimes has the exact opposite effect. Just like you can't always control when you get home from work, teenagers can't always control when they get home from a party or school event. Being late for a curfew creates stress for both the child and the parent and it can also be a major source of conflict.
Solution, Ban the Curfew
I know this is a radical concept but the advantages are amazing. It doesn't mean to say that your teenager can come home whenever he or she wants, it just means that their is flexibility and communication involved. Each event, school or party that your teenager attends will be treated differently. What this does is open the lines of communication. You will always know where your child is as their home time is negotiated depending on the circumstances of the event. If there was a curfew, say midnight on a weekend, you may never learn where they were, at least beforehand, because in their mind they can go anywhere as long as they are home by midnight. If each event is treated differently, you learn where they are and how they are getting home from the get go as that is part of the negotiation process.
Flexibility is key here. For example: your son or daughter is attending an after party for a school event such as a band concert or a sport victory. The actual concert or sporting event doesn't end till 11 pm so chances of your child making a midnight curfew are slim. This is when the no curfew policy works great. You can negotiate say a 1 am time home, you are happy because you know where they are and your child is happy because he or she can stay out till one and have at least 2 hours to enjoy the after/victory party. You will be the cool parent in no time!
The other important factor in the no curfew policy is to always ensure that your child has a safe way home or somewhere to stay if that is not possible. Open lines of communication are key here. You don't want your child to go home with a "drunk driver" just to make it home at the time you set together. Cell phones and cab companies make this an easy fix, but remember, be flexible. Trust your teenager, especially if he or she has given you no reason not to trust them in the past.
The no curfew policy benefits both the parents and the teenagers making this a win win solution. It prevents conflict, stress and opens the lines of communication so you will always know where your child is.
Please feel free to post your comments and look for future "parenting your teen" articles.
Some rules before I begin:
1. This advise is not very everyone - it depends on your comfort zone.
2. Honesty is the best policy.
3. Don't try too hard, it shows.
4. Always keep an open mind.
5. Share your mistakes in life.
6. Connect on all levels.
7. Always remember what it was like to be young.
8. Trust Trust Trust
This will be a series of articles so keep coming back for more. Today's installment:
CURFEWS
Many parents set curfews for their teenagers thinking that this is a great way to control their child's late night activities, whether it is on the weekend or during the school week. However, this sometimes has the exact opposite effect. Just like you can't always control when you get home from work, teenagers can't always control when they get home from a party or school event. Being late for a curfew creates stress for both the child and the parent and it can also be a major source of conflict.
Solution, Ban the Curfew
I know this is a radical concept but the advantages are amazing. It doesn't mean to say that your teenager can come home whenever he or she wants, it just means that their is flexibility and communication involved. Each event, school or party that your teenager attends will be treated differently. What this does is open the lines of communication. You will always know where your child is as their home time is negotiated depending on the circumstances of the event. If there was a curfew, say midnight on a weekend, you may never learn where they were, at least beforehand, because in their mind they can go anywhere as long as they are home by midnight. If each event is treated differently, you learn where they are and how they are getting home from the get go as that is part of the negotiation process.
Flexibility is key here. For example: your son or daughter is attending an after party for a school event such as a band concert or a sport victory. The actual concert or sporting event doesn't end till 11 pm so chances of your child making a midnight curfew are slim. This is when the no curfew policy works great. You can negotiate say a 1 am time home, you are happy because you know where they are and your child is happy because he or she can stay out till one and have at least 2 hours to enjoy the after/victory party. You will be the cool parent in no time!
The other important factor in the no curfew policy is to always ensure that your child has a safe way home or somewhere to stay if that is not possible. Open lines of communication are key here. You don't want your child to go home with a "drunk driver" just to make it home at the time you set together. Cell phones and cab companies make this an easy fix, but remember, be flexible. Trust your teenager, especially if he or she has given you no reason not to trust them in the past.
The no curfew policy benefits both the parents and the teenagers making this a win win solution. It prevents conflict, stress and opens the lines of communication so you will always know where your child is.
Please feel free to post your comments and look for future "parenting your teen" articles.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I've got the federal election blues!!
Another few years with the "always charismatic" Mr. Harper, oh woe is me!! And just when our neighbours to the south are showing promise with the possibility of Obama and his Democrats in the White house!!
Many of you may be saying right now, what choice did we have? Stephane Dion? Jack Layton? But what most people tend to forget is, it is not about the leader, it is about the party and their politics.
Canadian politics has become a popularity contest. He dresses better, she is better in front of the camera etc. etc. Yes I too miss the days of the always charismatic (and I mean it this time) Pierre Trudeau and lets not forget the joules of Mr. Clarke (how could we). We definitely need more personality on Parliament hill, but lets not let that be the basis of our vote.
But are Canadians actually voting! In this time of economic turmoil and political uncertainty across the globe, you'd think Canadians would be coming out in droves to exercise their constitutional right to vote, but not the case. Nearly 10 million eligible voters took a pass on casting a ballot Tuesday, plunging election day turnout to a historical low. In 1958 nearly 80% of the population voted in the federal election, yesterday, not even 60% voted.
Perhaps voting should be treated like Jury Duty, you can only get out of it if you have a really, really, really, good excuse. Just a thought!!
But, I digress, one of the main reasons I chose to write about the election today, was because I wanted to share a publication with my audience, you may not be aware of. (and I really wish I had shared it earlier, but oh well!)
This book is one in a series of Canadian Centre for Policy Alternative (CCPA) publications that have examined the records of Canadian federal governments during the duration of their tenure. As with earlier CCPA reports on the activities of previous governments while in office, this book gives a detailed account of the laws, policies, regulations, and initiatives of the Conservative minority government under Prime Minister Stephen Harper during its 32-month term from January 2006 to September 2008.
The 47 writers, researchers and analysts who have co-written this book probe into every aspect of the Harper minority government’s administration. From the economy to the environment, from social programs to foreign policy, from health care to tax cuts, from the Afghanistan mission to the tar sands, from free trade to deep integration, and to many other areas of this government’s record, the authors have dug out the facts and analyzed them.
The Conservative Record was necessarily researched and written long before an election was called, but its publication does coincide with the election. Regardless of the election outcome, its contents will continue to be relevant between elections. In detailing what a minority Conservative government really did, or failed to do, it may serve as a guide and model for future elections.
You can purchase a hard copy for $24.95 or you can just read it online. Below is a link to the Conservatives record on Women's Equality and Human Rights, an interesting read.
For the entire publication Click Here.
Sorry for my foray into politics, but I did say I might get personal every now and then.
For those of you who have expressed an interest in parenting issues, check back next week for some great tips and links.
Cheers
Amanda
Many of you may be saying right now, what choice did we have? Stephane Dion? Jack Layton? But what most people tend to forget is, it is not about the leader, it is about the party and their politics.
Canadian politics has become a popularity contest. He dresses better, she is better in front of the camera etc. etc. Yes I too miss the days of the always charismatic (and I mean it this time) Pierre Trudeau and lets not forget the joules of Mr. Clarke (how could we). We definitely need more personality on Parliament hill, but lets not let that be the basis of our vote.
But are Canadians actually voting! In this time of economic turmoil and political uncertainty across the globe, you'd think Canadians would be coming out in droves to exercise their constitutional right to vote, but not the case. Nearly 10 million eligible voters took a pass on casting a ballot Tuesday, plunging election day turnout to a historical low. In 1958 nearly 80% of the population voted in the federal election, yesterday, not even 60% voted.
Perhaps voting should be treated like Jury Duty, you can only get out of it if you have a really, really, really, good excuse. Just a thought!!
But, I digress, one of the main reasons I chose to write about the election today, was because I wanted to share a publication with my audience, you may not be aware of. (and I really wish I had shared it earlier, but oh well!)
This book is one in a series of Canadian Centre for Policy Alternative (CCPA) publications that have examined the records of Canadian federal governments during the duration of their tenure. As with earlier CCPA reports on the activities of previous governments while in office, this book gives a detailed account of the laws, policies, regulations, and initiatives of the Conservative minority government under Prime Minister Stephen Harper during its 32-month term from January 2006 to September 2008.
The 47 writers, researchers and analysts who have co-written this book probe into every aspect of the Harper minority government’s administration. From the economy to the environment, from social programs to foreign policy, from health care to tax cuts, from the Afghanistan mission to the tar sands, from free trade to deep integration, and to many other areas of this government’s record, the authors have dug out the facts and analyzed them.
The Conservative Record was necessarily researched and written long before an election was called, but its publication does coincide with the election. Regardless of the election outcome, its contents will continue to be relevant between elections. In detailing what a minority Conservative government really did, or failed to do, it may serve as a guide and model for future elections.
You can purchase a hard copy for $24.95 or you can just read it online. Below is a link to the Conservatives record on Women's Equality and Human Rights, an interesting read.
For the entire publication Click Here.
Sorry for my foray into politics, but I did say I might get personal every now and then.
For those of you who have expressed an interest in parenting issues, check back next week for some great tips and links.
Cheers
Amanda
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
20 years of marriage - who da thunk it
My husband and I recently celebrated 20 years of married bliss - well maybe not married bliss, but definitely something resembling it. Since then people have been asking me what is our secret? In this time where over 40% of marriages end in divorce, what are we doing right that 40% of the population isn't?
In all honesty, I am not really sure, but I thought I would give it the old college try and see if I could come up with five secrets to a happy marriage.
1. Start how you mean to finish This was a piece of advise my mother gave me when I first got married and I have shared it with many newlyweds. In simple terms, do not start something in the beginning of a marriage unless you expect to continue it till the end. Many women make the mistake of trying to do too much at the beginning of a marriage and then resent this at the end. My mom used a really basic example when explaining this concept to me. My mother hated ironing and couldn't imagine ironing my Dad's shirts on a regular basis for the next 50 years. So she didn't. If he wanted his shirts ironed he could take them to the dry cleaners or learn to iron himself. Now you must realize, this was a pretty radical concept back in 1963 - but I have to say it worked. My mother applied this advise throughout her marriage and I am happy to report my parents will be celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary in less than a month. This advise doesn't just apply to ironing, it applies to all aspects of a marriage.
2. Date regularly Of course when I say this I don't mean other people, I mean date each other. Try to go out on a date at least twice a month. Whether it is dinner and a movie or just a late night stroll with a stop at the local pub for a night cap. Don't make it a double date either - make sure it is just the two of you. Keep the conversation away from household or family matters. Talk about books you have been reading or an interesting person you may have just met. Make this time, a time to connect on a more personal and intimate level. Take turns picking the venue so both parties get to enjoy each others choices.
3. Hobbies Make sure you have hobbies and interests that you enjoy together, but also have hobbies and interests you enjoy apart. As a couple, my husband and I love to sail and go walking. But he does not share my love of Art house movies or vintage clothes shopping - those are things I do without him. He loves to "jam" with the boys and "groove out". I leave the grooving to him, he leaves the shopping to me. Having your own interests are vital to a happy marriage. They also help to expand your horizons and in many ways make you more interesting to your partner and your partner more interesting to you.
4. Contentment In order to be content in your marriage you need to be content with yourself first. This doesn't mean your life has to be perfect before you can take the plunge, but you have to be able to pursue that contentment throughout your married life. My partner's career involves world travel and hob nobbing with celebrities. Many people ask me if I resent the fact that he is able to do this while I am at home raising our children. I don't resent this at all, in fact I am overwhelmingly happy for him. I know he is very content with his career and where he is in life, as am I. I love my life at home, raising the boys, volunteering at their schools and being part of my community. Finding self contentment in different places often allows us to easily find contentment with each other.
5. Active Sex Life - NO TV in the Bedroom If you have a television in the bedroom you share with your partner, then remove it immediately. The only entertainment you should be seeking while in your bed chamber, is the intimate entertainment provided to you by your partner. If you do not have an active sex life you need to remedy this right away. Open the lines of communication and seek counselling if necessary, but make sure you "get your rocks off" on a regular basis. (I will tackle this subject in more detail in a later blog)
So those are my secrets, not rocket science, but at tried and tested. Do you have any secrets to share. Feel free to comment. Check out the links on this page for other views on the secrets to a happy marriage etc.
In all honesty, I am not really sure, but I thought I would give it the old college try and see if I could come up with five secrets to a happy marriage.
1. Start how you mean to finish This was a piece of advise my mother gave me when I first got married and I have shared it with many newlyweds. In simple terms, do not start something in the beginning of a marriage unless you expect to continue it till the end. Many women make the mistake of trying to do too much at the beginning of a marriage and then resent this at the end. My mom used a really basic example when explaining this concept to me. My mother hated ironing and couldn't imagine ironing my Dad's shirts on a regular basis for the next 50 years. So she didn't. If he wanted his shirts ironed he could take them to the dry cleaners or learn to iron himself. Now you must realize, this was a pretty radical concept back in 1963 - but I have to say it worked. My mother applied this advise throughout her marriage and I am happy to report my parents will be celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary in less than a month. This advise doesn't just apply to ironing, it applies to all aspects of a marriage.
2. Date regularly Of course when I say this I don't mean other people, I mean date each other. Try to go out on a date at least twice a month. Whether it is dinner and a movie or just a late night stroll with a stop at the local pub for a night cap. Don't make it a double date either - make sure it is just the two of you. Keep the conversation away from household or family matters. Talk about books you have been reading or an interesting person you may have just met. Make this time, a time to connect on a more personal and intimate level. Take turns picking the venue so both parties get to enjoy each others choices.
3. Hobbies Make sure you have hobbies and interests that you enjoy together, but also have hobbies and interests you enjoy apart. As a couple, my husband and I love to sail and go walking. But he does not share my love of Art house movies or vintage clothes shopping - those are things I do without him. He loves to "jam" with the boys and "groove out". I leave the grooving to him, he leaves the shopping to me. Having your own interests are vital to a happy marriage. They also help to expand your horizons and in many ways make you more interesting to your partner and your partner more interesting to you.
4. Contentment In order to be content in your marriage you need to be content with yourself first. This doesn't mean your life has to be perfect before you can take the plunge, but you have to be able to pursue that contentment throughout your married life. My partner's career involves world travel and hob nobbing with celebrities. Many people ask me if I resent the fact that he is able to do this while I am at home raising our children. I don't resent this at all, in fact I am overwhelmingly happy for him. I know he is very content with his career and where he is in life, as am I. I love my life at home, raising the boys, volunteering at their schools and being part of my community. Finding self contentment in different places often allows us to easily find contentment with each other.
5. Active Sex Life - NO TV in the Bedroom If you have a television in the bedroom you share with your partner, then remove it immediately. The only entertainment you should be seeking while in your bed chamber, is the intimate entertainment provided to you by your partner. If you do not have an active sex life you need to remedy this right away. Open the lines of communication and seek counselling if necessary, but make sure you "get your rocks off" on a regular basis. (I will tackle this subject in more detail in a later blog)
So those are my secrets, not rocket science, but at tried and tested. Do you have any secrets to share. Feel free to comment. Check out the links on this page for other views on the secrets to a happy marriage etc.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
If 60 is the new 40, is 40 the new 20?
There has been a lot of talk in recent years about the perception of age, from self perception, to media perception and to society’s perception. Are we only as old as we feel or are we only as old as we look?
In 2005 a lot of A list celebrities turned 40 – Sarah Jessica Parker, Linda Evangelista, Elizabeth Hurley, Brooke Shields, and Diane Lane, just to name a few. Suddenly, women over 40 were “cool”, “hip” and “trend setting”. But do most women over 40 look like these A list stars? No we don’t!
The New York Times article linked on this blog focuses on the “beautiful people” and how they are changing the way society looks at the 40+ generation. Everything from the popularity of shows like Desperate Housewives to the fashion industries focus on women over 40. But is this the reality of the average middle aged women? No.
As D. Parvaz wrote in the
What all this really means is that women are living longer, changing their priorities a little and doing this a little differently than they did 30 years ago. According to an article by Lloyd Garver of CBS news, the average age for anyone moving into a nursing home today is 81. In the 1950's it was 65. Instead of getting married at 20 and raising a family, women are furthering their education and starting a career. They are often waiting till their 30s to take the marriage plunge and often in their 40s before they start having or finish having children. So is 40 the new 20? You Betcha!!!!
You don’t have to look like an A list celebrity to feel and be perceived as younger than you are. Every time I sit and chat with my teenage son and his friends I feel their energy and enthusiasm and I feel twenty years younger. (I am not sure that I look it, but I definitely feel it) However, after a late night at the office trying to meet a morning deadline, I feel twenty years older (and I definitely look it) But that’s another story.
How old do you feel? What’s your secret to feeling and looking younger?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Welcome readers
Hello everyone,
Welcome to my blog. After much encouragement from friends, family, co-workers and even my teenage son's girlfriend I have finally decided to put pen to paper (so to speak) and impart my so called wisdom on anyone who cares to read. As a women, mother, partner and of course a member of the 40+ generation, I have plenty to share. From parenting and marital issues to cosmetic surgery and career planning - I plan to tackle it all. As a researcher I will try and back up my advise with some solid references - but some things will just come from the heart. I am also looking to you to share your thoughts.
Life can throw us lots of challenges. Does it get easier as we get older? You tell me. I don't think anything gets easier, its just different. And as we reach each each new decade our perspective changes - I think for the better.
I am definitely 40 + and absolutely fabulous - are you? Let me know by filling in the poll and look for new posts and polls daily.
Cheers
Amanda
Welcome to my blog. After much encouragement from friends, family, co-workers and even my teenage son's girlfriend I have finally decided to put pen to paper (so to speak) and impart my so called wisdom on anyone who cares to read. As a women, mother, partner and of course a member of the 40+ generation, I have plenty to share. From parenting and marital issues to cosmetic surgery and career planning - I plan to tackle it all. As a researcher I will try and back up my advise with some solid references - but some things will just come from the heart. I am also looking to you to share your thoughts.
Life can throw us lots of challenges. Does it get easier as we get older? You tell me. I don't think anything gets easier, its just different. And as we reach each each new decade our perspective changes - I think for the better.
I am definitely 40 + and absolutely fabulous - are you? Let me know by filling in the poll and look for new posts and polls daily.
Cheers
Amanda
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