20 years of marriage - who da thunk it

My husband and I recently celebrated 20 years of married bliss - well maybe not married bliss, but definitely something resembling it. Since then people have been asking me what is our secret? In this time where over 40% of marriages end in divorce, what are we doing right that 40% of the population isn't?

In all honesty, I am not really sure, but I thought I would give it the old college try and see if I could come up with five secrets to a happy marriage.

1. Start how you mean to finish This was a piece of advise my mother gave me when I first got married and I have shared it with many newlyweds. In simple terms, do not start something in the beginning of a marriage unless you expect to continue it till the end. Many women make the mistake of trying to do too much at the beginning of a marriage and then resent this at the end. My mom used a really basic example when explaining this concept to me. My mother hated ironing and couldn't imagine ironing my Dad's shirts on a regular basis for the next 50 years. So she didn't. If he wanted his shirts ironed he could take them to the dry cleaners or learn to iron himself. Now you must realize, this was a pretty radical concept back in 1963 - but I have to say it worked. My mother applied this advise throughout her marriage and I am happy to report my parents will be celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary in less than a month. This advise doesn't just apply to ironing, it applies to all aspects of a marriage.

2. Date regularly Of course when I say this I don't mean other people, I mean date each other. Try to go out on a date at least twice a month. Whether it is dinner and a movie or just a late night stroll with a stop at the local pub for a night cap. Don't make it a double date either - make sure it is just the two of you. Keep the conversation away from household or family matters. Talk about books you have been reading or an interesting person you may have just met. Make this time, a time to connect on a more personal and intimate level. Take turns picking the venue so both parties get to enjoy each others choices.

3. Hobbies Make sure you have hobbies and interests that you enjoy together, but also have hobbies and interests you enjoy apart. As a couple, my husband and I love to sail and go walking. But he does not share my love of Art house movies or vintage clothes shopping - those are things I do without him. He loves to "jam" with the boys and "groove out". I leave the grooving to him, he leaves the shopping to me. Having your own interests are vital to a happy marriage. They also help to expand your horizons and in many ways make you more interesting to your partner and your partner more interesting to you.

4. Contentment In order to be content in your marriage you need to be content with yourself first. This doesn't mean your life has to be perfect before you can take the plunge, but you have to be able to pursue that contentment throughout your married life. My partner's career involves world travel and hob nobbing with celebrities. Many people ask me if I resent the fact that he is able to do this while I am at home raising our children. I don't resent this at all, in fact I am overwhelmingly happy for him. I know he is very content with his career and where he is in life, as am I. I love my life at home, raising the boys, volunteering at their schools and being part of my community. Finding self contentment in different places often allows us to easily find contentment with each other.

5. Active Sex Life - NO TV in the Bedroom If you have a television in the bedroom you share with your partner, then remove it immediately. The only entertainment you should be seeking while in your bed chamber, is the intimate entertainment provided to you by your partner. If you do not have an active sex life you need to remedy this right away. Open the lines of communication and seek counselling if necessary, but make sure you "get your rocks off" on a regular basis. (I will tackle this subject in more detail in a later blog)

So those are my secrets, not rocket science, but at tried and tested. Do you have any secrets to share. Feel free to comment. Check out the links on this page for other views on the secrets to a happy marriage etc.